By: Nancy Abbott (9-A, 1968)

Max Smart was walking out of a Chinese restaurant when his shoe phone rang. Looking as if he heard nothing, he ambled towards a nearby phone booth and took off his shoe.

Max: “86 here . . . Is that you, Chief?”

Chief: “Yes, Max. I called to tell you to come to headquarters immediately. I’m going to brief you on your next mission.”

Max: “Okay, Chief. I just came out of a new Chinese restaurant on the corner of Fifth and Elm. Best egg rolls you ever tasted. You should go there some evening on your day off.”

Chief: “Thanks, Max, I’ll remember that but just get here. We’re running on a tight schedule you know.”

Max: “Okay, Chief. I’ll be there before you can say ‘Jack Robinson.’ Signing off.”

Max walked over to a shining red sports car and hopped in. Zooming down the street, he almost hit a little old Japanese lady crossing the street. She started yelling something in Japanese which would have been censored in any language.

He pulled up in front of Control and got out just in time to se a beautiful brunette walk up the stairs in front of the building.

“99, wait,” Max said, running up the stairs two at a time. “Whew! What are you doing here, 99? I thought this was your day off.”

“It is but the Chief called and said he wanted me here immediately,” she said.

“Oh. That’s a coincidence. He called me too. I bet you a full egg roll dinner at Foo Young’s Place we’re in the same assignment,” Max said slyly.

“All right you’ve got yourself a deal!” 99 said, as they started climbing the long flight of stairs.

They went inside the building and through a series of steel doors and to a telephone booth.

Max dialed a wrong number and he and 99 fell to the bottom floor. They picked themselves up and walked down the carpeted hallway to the Chief’s office.

They gave a secret password and entered. Max sat down in a cushioned chair while 99 sat on the corner of the Chief’s desk.

“What took you so long, Max?” the Chief asked.

“I got lost,” Max said knowingly.

“Max, I don’t think I can believe that,” the Chief said patiently.

“Oh. Would you believe a troop of Girlscouts selling cookies stopped me?” Max asked leaning towards the Chief.

“I don’t think I believe that either, Max,” the Chief getting red in the face.

“I didn’t think so. Would you believe I stopped to talk to 99 on the way into Control?”  Max inquired, settling back in his chair.

“I think I can believe that. Now, let’s get down to business. Remember this is TOP SECRET!” the Chief said looking at Max.

“Chief, if this is so top secret, why don’t we use the cone of silence?” Max asked.

“It’s out of order, Max,” the Chief said.

“Well then, why not the closet of silence?” Max asked again.

“It isn’t the closet of silence any more,” the Chief said getting redder in the face.

“What is it then?”

“A closet,” the Chief said, looking at Max. “As I was saying, this mission will take you into the deepest jungles of the Congo.”

“What has Kaos done now, Chief?” 99 asked.

“It seems that Charles M. Ligement, a hardworked Kaos agent, suddenly blew his cool and flew off to the Congo where he is terrorizing the natives by stampeding wild animals,” the Chief said, pulling down a map of Africa.

“He was last seen in this area near the Congo River,” the Chief added pointing at the map with a pencil.

“What’s so important about that?” Max inquired.

“What makes up a country, Max?’ the Chief asked.

“I guess the people, or in this case, the natives.”

“Right. Now what happens if all the people are terrorized?”

“I don’t know. Ask 99,” Max said.

“I think I know, Chief,” 99 said, hopping off the Chief’s desk. “If the people were all terrorized, they would go to the head government. If the Government couldn’t help them, they would panic and that would mean total chaos.”

“Perfect! I don’t know what I could do without you, 99,” the Chief said shaking her hand swiftly.

“Let’s get on with this assignment, chief, I’m getting hungry,” Max pleaded.

“Allright. You’ll recognize him . . .” then suddenly the Chief broke out laughing.

“What’s wrong, Chief? Did I do something wrong?” Max asked, looking worried.

“No, Max. He! Ha! Ha! It seems he is dressed as Tarzan. Ha ha he ho!” the Chief broke out again and couldn’t stop.

“What’s so funny about that? Did he do anything to you?” Max fired out to the Chief.

“Let’s forget it. You better hurry. Your plane is leaving in a half hour,” the Chief said handing Max and 99 their tickets, still chuckling; with Max staring at him sourly.

Max and 99 left Control and went separate directions. Fifteen minutes later they met at a bus stop halfway between each one’s apartment. Max took up 99’s luggage and they started walking towards the airport which was about five blocks away.

First they went to customs, then to the plane. For a few hours the plane flew over the Atlantic Ocean, and stopped to refuel in London, then flew to Morroco to stay over night.

The next morning they boarded a train. Max and 99 were on the train for three days ‘till the train stopped at a fairly good-sized village beside the Congo River.

As soon as they claimed their luggage, Max and 99 walked off into the nearby jungle.

They tramped noisily for two hours until 99 sat down on a rough log and said, “Max, I can’t go any further. Why can’t we camp here for tonight?”

“All right, 99. I just hope you’re not too tired to help me pitch the tents," Max said, opening his biggest suitcase and pulling our two pup tents and throwing them into the center of the clearing.

He pulled calapsible tent poles and stakes then spread out the tents.

99 unfolded a hammer and started wearily pounding some stakes into the ground. Five minutes later they had both tents up and were starting to put their clothes and bedrolls into the tents. Then Max said, “Boy, am I hungry! Start cookin' the food!”

“What food?” 99 asked sitting on her sleeping bag.

“What do you mean ‘What food?’ You know what food I'm talking about. The food that you were supposed to bring, since it is your turn to bring.”

“Max, I brought it the last time. Oh, Max. How could you?”

“It wasn't easy.”

“It's all right, Max, I still have some capsuls left from our last case,” 99 said, pulling a small red case from her purse.

“Let's see. I have a two year supply of pink lemonade, just add water, a small submarine, fits sizes 28 through 40, a one year supply of canned beef, sounds good, and a keg of rum?’ 99 said, looking at it again.

“At least we won't starve,” Max said, jumping down from a small overhanging limb which he happened to be sitting on at the moment.

Then all of a sudden they heard a long yell up in the treetops. Seconds later a muscular man jumped out of a large tree.

"Charles M. Ligement, I presume?" Max asked.

"Me Tarzan, you Jane," Charles Ligement said, pointing to himself, then to 99.

Then he pointed at Max and said, “You Cheetah.”

“Just a second! What gives you the idea I’m Cheetah?” Max ordered.

“You Cheetah,” Ligement insisted.

“I am not.”

“Dumb animal.”

“Now I consider that as an insult! Apes, I understand, are quite intelligent,” Max said rolling up his shirt sleeves ready to fight.

“Max, don’t. Men in his condition are quite dangerous. So you have to be Cheetah or he might get violent,” 99 pleaded.

“All right if you insist, 99. But remember you’ve got to be Jane,” Max said, climbing up a tree monkey-style and jabbering and screeching like a chimpanzee.

“Come,” Ligement said taking ahold of 99’s wrist with Max swinging through the treetops on vines.

Five minutes later they came to a giant tree with a huge treehouse in the uppermost branches. Ligement helped 99 up a vine ladder. Max swung in an open window and landed on a chair with a loud ‘plop.’

Cheetah, bring bananas,” Tarzan said to max.

Max swung on a vine to a banana tree and picked a bunch of pink bananas. When he came back to the hut he saw Ligement sharpening a huge meat cleaver on a sandstone rock.

He walked over to 99, who was laying on the single bed asleep, with a raised arm. Ligement swung his arm down powerfully and split a coconut in half which was laying beside 99’s head.

Max gave a deep, long sigh and fell into a chair.

“Cheetah, off. No sit on chair. you have shedding hair,” Tarzan ordered, pushing max off the chair.

“Hey, who do you think your shoving around?” Max said getting off the floor.

“Remember, Max, you’re supposed to be Cheetah. Ligement might get violent,” 99 said walking over to Max.

“All right, all right. you don’t have to shout.”

“Max, I wasn’t shouting.”

“Yes you were, 99. I distinctly heard you raise your voice.’

“I did not.”

“You did to.”

“Max, I hope you have fun on this case because I’m leaving! I don’t have to listen to your insults!” 99 said, going over to a vine and swinging off through the treetops.

“99, come back! I take back what I said. Women. I just can’t figure them out. Oh, well, I might as well get this case over as soon as possible.”

Max walked over behind Ligement and gave him a huge karate chop on the back of the neck. Then Max picked him up and strapped him to his back with a strong vine.

After walking for three straight hours, Max finally came to the village where he saw 99 boarding the train with two suitcases.

“99, wait!” Max cried.

“Please, sir, my name is not 99. It is Martha Crump and I live in Brush Ridge, Ohio. so just don’t bother me or I’ll be forced to call the police.”

AW, come on, 99. you know me. I’m Maxwell Smart Of Control. I’m sorry if I insulted you. I take back what I said. Will you forgive me?”

“Oh, Max, Will I!” 99 said giving him a quick hug and then going into the train car and leaving Max gasping like a stranded fish.

A few hours later they came to a stop near a large airport. Max said, “Let’s take a plane, 99. I’m tired of riding in a train.”

“What about Ligement? How are we going to get him on the plane in a Tarzan getup?”

“Wait a minute, 99, I’ve got an idea. Why don’t we hide him in a trunk and smuggle him on the jet?”

“Max, that’s a wonderful idea, but I don’t think it will work.”

“Why not?”

“We don’t have a trunk.”

"Oh.  That is a problem isn’t it?”

“We could rent a plane if we put all our money together. I have forty dollars. How much do you have, Max?”

Let’s see, I just got paid so I have thirty dollars. Do you think that is enough?”

“It better be. We’ll only fly it to Morroco and airports in between for fuel.”

Max and 99 rented a small plane that seated four passengers. They didn’t have enough money but they put it on Control’s bill.

As soon as they got to Morroco they bought some clothes for Ligement with Max’s International credit card. They then got on a jet plane and went to Paris, then New York and then to Washington, D.C.